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Possum Lodge Radio/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Thank you very much. We're having trouble with the phone lines. (ringing) excuse me a minute. Stop using the phone. Excellent phone manners. It started when harold hooked up his combination fax/modem and waffle toaster. Welded everybody's phone lines together so we all get every call. (ringing) that's my computer friends. Wrong number. (applause and cheering) that was clever. What will we do now? The phone system won't be fixed by the phone company. They keep carping about unpaid bills, as if that's gonna make any difference. We're switching to a better system. We're going back to c.B. Downwind danger -- come in, downwind danger. Downwind danger? Stinky peterson. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): I'll show you how to make your own pay phone booth, buzz will bring us a barrage of opinion without any point, I'll try to get mike to finally accept responsibility, and garth harble will try and bag a few geese. (junior singleton on radio) it's not raining here, either. You're not that far away. I see you out the window. (talking) I'm not gonna wave. (talking) oh, for gosh sakes. Over and out. How's the communication network working out? Not bad. You always get guys that abuse the system. Most men don't want someone to talk to. They want someone to listen to them. Single guys are the worst. They can't get it at home, is how that one goes. You know what you should do? Instead of having the phone lines repaired, you should have them upgraded. Get call display. You could see the number of the person that you don't want to talk to, unless they got that display block thing. Then you gotta get interactive and have them forwarded to your voice mail. Harold, you have me confused with a suggestion box. I've divided every day into hours, and each guy gets an hour to do all his communicating. I got 9:00 to 10:00 p.M. On Thursday. What hours do I get? Am I on there? Yeah, you have 3:00 to 4:00 a.M., Tuesday morning. Darn, it's the same time slot as this show. (red): Bill's radio show is gonna feature bowling. Stay tuned for that. He's just practising right now. It's 10-pin, isn't it, bill? Oh, no, it's two-pin. That is not the peace sign. Okey-doke, this is the big one! For the grand prize of free herbicide and pesticide from moira's house of skin care, you have 30 seconds to make mr. Hamar say... This word. Thirty seconds -- begin. All right, uh, obligation. Parole. No, no, your job. (sighing) mandatory supervision. No, no, when something goes wrong, it's your... ... Reason to leave town and start a new life? Uh, your behaviour is your.. Downfall. Start a new approach, here. Um, your wife and your child are... In alberta. (audience laughing) I think. No, no, no. Atlanta? No, georgia. Mike, legally, they are your... Monthly instalment. Are you concentrating here, mike? I'm giving it all I've got, mr. Green. Really? Holy smoke. All right, all right. Say you're the leader. Then you have... Guns, guard dogs... You're almost out of time, uncle red. Ok, mike, h-h-hold it. If something goes wrong and you're to blame, you have... Culpability. If it's not the first time it happened, you have... Convictability. So you want to avoid... Responsibility! (ringing bell) (applause and cheering) ♪ oh, get your rods out, boys ♪ ♪ and let your sinkers fly ♪ ♪ set your hooks and lures ♪ ♪ but be sure not to catch them ♪ ♪ in any part of your eye ♪ ♪ I know we've had our fun ♪ ♪ with cards and jokes and beer ♪ ♪ but if I don't go home with at least one fish ♪ ♪ my wife won't let me come back next year ♪ that's true. I'm sure our c.B. Radio thing will work out all right, but just in case it doesn't and we must go back to the regular phone system, I thought I'd show you how you can make your phone profitable. I'll show you how to make your own pay phone booth. Start off with the one pay phone booth, and as you're successful, maybe get a chain of them, eventually have candice bergen do your t.V. Ads. The main thing you need is a coin-operated door, like this one on this newspaper box. You could use the door off a pay toilet or a bank vault, but this is easier to throw into the van when nobody's looking. First you gotta get the bolts off the bottom, there. There we go, and she should just pop right off, I would think. (grunting) oh, for gosh sakes. I hope this project's worth the cash investment. Pick a building that's the right size and personality for a phone booth. The barn's too big, the shed isn't lockable. This is perfect. All right, first get the door off the outhouse. (air horn blasting) amazing how fast things rust around an outhouse. I'm sure there's a scientific theory, but we know the real reason. The first thing you gotta do is to attach your coin-operated door to the outhouse. You could bolt it on or wire 'er on, but I prefer to use something that won't rust. The handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. I've got the phone mounted on the wall in there. All I have to do is add the possum lake phone book and the yellow pages. All right, yellow page. Once the phone system gets going, I'll be raking in the coin. The beauty of using an outhouse as my phone booth is there's a dual purpose here. You can answer two calls at once. Got an extra business line here. And even the newspaper has more than one application. If you got one of them teenagers who ties up the phone for hours, having the phone in the outhouse with the aroma going will nip that in the bud. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. (creaking) for gosh sakes. Harold, you got a quarter? Harold? Harold! Come on, harold. Emergency call. You won't want to miss ranger gord's infomercial. Want to talk about an evening we've all gone through. Had a quiet day at work. You've had dinner, watched some television, and you can hardly keep your eyes open. You think about sleeping on the couch, which is usually your wife's suggestion. You figure, "no, I've got enough energy to go to bed. "I won't put on all my pyjamas." there's only one problem with this plan. It's only 8:30. (audience laughing) 8:30, and you can hardly stay awake. That is pathetic. If you have any hope of staying up after 9 o'clock, you'll have to take a nap in the afternoon. This can be inconvenient unless you work for the government, but you're gonna have to find a way to do it. In the old days, you'd stay up all night and go straight in to work. You'd spend a weekend partying and you'd never lie down -- at least, not for sleeping. The sleep you need now is to make up for the rest you didn't get back then. So relax and have a nap. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause) oh, man, can't take any more of that. "the buster hadfield hour". Sixty minutes of zither music. You'd have to be an idiot to listen to that. ( ♪ ♪ ♪ ) what? What? After the first week, the guys had pretty well said everything they could think of. A lot kept talking anyway. Others switched to different kinds of music. Some started getting guests on their shows. I got guests on my shows. I got kathie lee gifford and I got g. Gordon liddy. The topic is hobbies. You got them for sure? No, I left an e-mail message on the internet. I'm hoping someone relays it to them. I understand regis is wired. (audience laughing) anyway, our phone system has turned into a radio station with the worst programmes you ever heard in your life. Moose thompson's show is "what I ate today". "stinky peterson, up close and hazardous." "the old man sedgwick inspirational hour." I heard that one. Does he speak latin or did he have his teeth out? I don't mind competition, but these guys are taking it so seriously. There's one way to fix it. You could have the phone systems repaired and cancel all the shows. No, not all the shows, harold. I don't know if you have a sense of the ratings, but I own Thursday night. "red's e-z listening harmonica house." (audience laughing) hey, buzz sherwood with safety first! (shouting) ... Ringing the bells! Don't you worry, no way! There will be blood everywhere! So, point is, hold the gun, shoot it... (shouting) ok! Hi, gord. Oh, hi, red. I'd love to talk, but it is 50 cents. What the heck you got going on here? With the budget cuts at the forestry department, I'm helping them bridge the financial crunch. They haven't sent me a paycheque in over a decade. That's a huge funding gap. That would be a communication gap. What do I get for 50 cents, anyway? Well, general information, mostly, but also fire danger reports, weather reports, and a beautiful, breath-taking view from high atop fire watch-tower 13. All right, I'll bite. You got 50 cents, harold? Come on. There we go. Great. And 50 cents for harold. Come on, harold. Haven't got it. Sorry, harold, can't use the stairs. Go up the outside. You'll be fine. Wow! You're my first customer today, red. Gord, I'm your only customer ever. I could probably get quite a few tourists. People love to climb high towers. Look at the washington monument, the eiffel tower, statue of liberty... Or the c.N. Tower in toronto. There's a tower in toronto? Oh, yeah. Next thing you know, they'll have a baseball team. Well, they did for a while. (whistling) oh, harold, finally! Welcome. Thanks for dropping in, harold. What now, ranger gord? Well, first, the fire safety report -- it's low. Next, the weather report -- it's fine, great. Souvenir shop is open. Ranger gord doll... Oh, boy, what's that? That's my tower. Holy smoke. Nothing for me, thanks, gord. I'll give a short talk on the history of fire watch-tower 13. Oh, man, no, I've already had my 50 cents' worth. Thank you, gord. Oh, ok, great. (coins rattling) it's the easiest money I ever made. It's the only money I ever made. Attention, handymen. If a piece of metal's too long, you can shorten it with tin snips. Remember, any tool can be the right tool. Man! (laughing) what is it with people? C.B. Was supposed to be a fun way to communicate. Somebody figures out a way to make money and everybody starts taking it too seriously. No matter what it is in life, when money's involved, it's not fun any more. Easy for you to say -- you're married. I don't know what that is but make sure I'm out of the building before you plug it in. It's a signal booster. I'm making it out of my old "close and play". It's gonna increase the reach of "harold's hip-hop sock hop". That's gonna make my sponsor happy. You got a sponsor? What? Acne cream? No, no, stodgy's pickles -- the old-fashioned-experience pickle. The pickle that keeps on giving. Everybody's taking it so seriously, getting guests, getting sponsors. The guests want bus fare and doughnuts. Then they need bigger audiences. They're starting to weld ladders together so they got a bigger antenna. They're putting clotheslines with stove wires on them. It's getting to be a real pain. Have you seen jimmy grissle's show? It's called "shock radio", and it's shocking, too. It's worse than the names kids call me on the school bus. You been eating too many pickles. Not just any pickles -- stodgy's pickles. Pickles grown in the shade for a greener green and a more natural flavour. Now, there's a slogan. Stodgy's pickles, for people who want a pickle where the sun don't shine. Hi, ranger gord here. Mail service here is not great. In the 16 years I've been here, I haven't received one paycheque. Mom, none of your letters got through. Red has allowed me to use this air time to send you a personal message. Thank you very much. Mom, since I left, it's always been on my mind, but I never asked. Did I leave the kettle on? (red): As I tried to warn you, bill had decided to dedicate his radio programme to... Bowling. Not really the ideal game, I would think, to play on the radio, but then again, I'm not bill, and I'm thankful for that. Yeah, he's broadcasting live from the back of possum lodge... As live as he gets, which is way too live. I made a few comments, character assassination, that type of thing. What are you gonna do? He's gonna set up the pins. We're gonna have a bowling game. I had his radio for him. Various weights of the balls. There's a very light one. Anyway, you got some five-pin balls mixed in with those, bill. That's a 10-pin ball. Why don't you put that down? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. You want to sit down-- you want to stay well back. You threw that straight up. It will be back soon. Oh, my. Ouch! Ohhh! That can't be good. We broke his radio, so we're making progress. I'll get that, bill. Oh, boy, oh, boy! Sitting out in the sun, the black balls absorb heat. The balls almost change their form. Got kind of spongy on us and... Oh my gosh. Big clean-up job? Oh, just wipe that... Never mind. All right, we created some shade with a lawn chair. Bill grabs a 10-pin ball. The thing with bowling, some people feel they have to cheat. What about the foul-- bill, the foul-- we haven't got a foul line. That's cheating. You gotta put something-- grab the pitchfork, grab the pitchfork. Now you just don't go by that. Bill thought that's way too dangerous. Oh! He thought he would maybe take the dangerous part off the pitchfork. That's called the tines, so he was... If you had some line-dance music going right now, you'd swear you were watching t.N.N. He's trying to get the handle off, and there she goes. Oh, here comes the handle -- ow! I can carry the flag in the parade now. All right, so there's our line. I don't know -- I think 10-pin is just too rigourous for me. The pins are too far away. Bill, lots of juice. Let 'er go! Oh! Oh! Oh! Head down the ravine... I guess-- uh-oh! Stinky's car! Man! Man! Tough to explain. Let's count our score. Bill, you've got -- let's see -- two strikes. I got a spare. Stay tuned to see harold listening to his sony "dork-man". Garth harble here, animal control, with another feature on animals in your life. Come on in, red. Where did you get the hand? Mime school? I was pulling rats out of a basement sewer trap. My watch band came off. Rats really like shiny things. I had to give one a bite to get it back. That sounds awful dangerous. No, just another super day on the job. For you kids who may be going to college, here's an example of what a fine arts degree can do for you. Got an animal feature? Huh? Animal feature? Oh, oh, oh, yes. Geese, canada geese. Sure. Magnificent bird, beautiful flyer, but boy, they got a large intestine like a sausage machine. I gotta get a pack of them out of possum park. Everybody's complaining about the geese in the park. About eating the grass and droppings and whatnot? More that the meat is so tough and real greasy. It's sometimes hard to swallow. I'm gonna forget I heard that. All right, fine. Give me a hand. All right. What are you gonna do with the geese? I'm taking 'em to my boss's house. He and his wife are on vacation. He ordered me to cut his grass. That's not a good idea. They're filthy animals, you know. Oh, I know, red, but so are the geese. (applause and cheering) it's "male call"! (applause) all right. I got... I got the letter today and... Oh! Oh! Oh! Got some pictures, harold. You take the letter. Always love it when people send pictures of their camping trips or fishing trips or handyman projects. It makes us feel better about the stuff we mess up. Well, all righty, apparently-- no, no, no, let me guess. Not the greatest pictures. Looks like a wild animal. Could be a sea creature of some kind. "dear red, here are pictures "of my wife giving birth to our daughter." oh my gosh! I don't want to see that! What? Ohhhhh! Take a look! No! No! That's a... Birth is beautiful. Ohhh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Look at that! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! (laughing) whoa! Boy, oh boy, look at that! Ohhh! Garth harble here, animal control, reminding you that the best way to spot animals is by studying the tracks they leave. The worst way is by... Studying their... Bite marks. (static on radio) well, the possum lodge radio station is officially off the air as of midnight last night. What are you listening to, harold? Nothing. I know -- possum radio network shut down. Oh, ok. How long were you gonna listen to dead air, harold? How long were you gonna talk? (audience laughing) (applause and cheering) not easy when you got him on one side and the government on the other. That's what killed the radio station. I built a huge transmitter. I duct-taped bags of christmas tinsel to a douglas fir. Was I getting a signal out there. I was getting calls from tibet, timbuctu, and, unfortunately, ottawa. The government wanted to know if I had a broadcaster's licence. I said I got a learner's permit. We should get a licence. We could have our own station. I don't want the government in my life. I don't need anybody else telling me what to do. Ok, forget that, then. We should get a television station. I want to have fun. I don't call television fun. You don't call this fun? I don't call this television. (possum squeal) it's meeting time. You go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. If my wife is watching, I'm coming home after the meeting. Now that I'm not in the radio business -- I'm no longer king of Thursday night -- maybe I can go back to being prince of Saturday morning. For the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (whistling) (applause) (possum squeal) (harold): All rise. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (harold): There you go. Anyone driving a 1986 car or newer, raise both hands like that. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!